Marisa the Writer (or a post in which I pour out my insecurities and talk about what I REALLY do all day)

I rarely blog about the fact that I'm writing a book. I know it has been mentioned the last two Novembers as I worked my way through NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I've even slipped it into a post or two when I've written about my future goals and added "become a published author" at the top of the list.

But when it comes to blogging about being a writer, I always end up feeling self-conscious, embarrassed, inadequate and just plain icky.

I've written countless posts about my life as a writer during the last few years. I've never once pressed that little orange "publish post" button. And it makes me sad that I'm so insecure about it, because writing is a HUGE part of my life.

In fact, other than being a mom, a wife, and an avid bookworm, writing IS my life. I do it every day. For hours. I open my word doc and begin tapping away at the computer as soon as I wake up in the morning. When I'm doing the laundry or cooking dinner, I'm also listening as my characters jabber together in my head. After the girls are in bed, that word doc opens again and I spend two, three, four+ hours hacking away at my book again - through the night, often into the early hours of the morning. My awesome friend Alyssa has even been known to call me just to say, "HEY! Step away from the word doc and join the living world for a moment!"

My girls know me as Mommy the Writer.

My husband hears me blather on about my book for hours nightly.

Writing is what I do.

I have an awesome support group of writer friends all hacking away at books of their own and sharing their process publicly on their blogs. I admire them like crazy and leave all sorts of gushy comments in their comment boxes... but as for me? Its just not something I've ever been confident enough to blog about. Sketching out a picture, scribbling it in with colored pencils and then blogging about it is a piece of cake for me. Sitting at my computer, typing away at my book and then blogging about it... impossible. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because my writing process is a disastrous mess. Or maybe because I don't tend to blog about my insecurities and when it comes to writing, I am nothing but insecure.

But I am currently on the very last leg of the first draft of the book I have been working on solidly since last summer and man does it feel good. And while I'm not sure I'll be blogging about it often, I can't not blog about it anymore, because hitting those final keys as my story wraps up is just too exciting to keep to myself. Its been a rough road, getting this book out of my head. And I'm darned proud of myself, despite my insecurities.

This is what my writing process for this book has been like:

July - Story spark! WOW, I love it. Like, as far as I'm concerned, its the best. idea. EVER.

August - Outline and character write-ups. I think it sounds great. Love my story line, love my characters, love the random bits of dialogue that keep popping into my head which I scramble to get on paper so I don't forget them. Super excited about jumping into the writing of this book (which I wasn't ready to begin b/c I was working on another book at the time)

September - Begin writing book. Um. It sort of sucks. Huh. Wasn't expecting that.

October - Have completed a few chapters. Have deleted ten times more than I've written. Feel completely incompetent.

November - Write. Delete. Write. Delete. Only on Chapter Four. Hate every word of it.

December - Eat lots of dessert. Filled with book-hate and writer self-loathing.

January - Write more. Delete even more than that. Find that I hate my characters with a passion and think my MC (main character) is annoying and sort of want to kill her off so I don't have to keep writing about her.

February - Toss entire manuscript into the garbage. Stare at what I used to think of as my perfect outline and cry. Start over.

March - Wow, this is finally starting to work. I'm really getting into the groove of things. My story is working exactly the way I wanted it to back in the summer and my characters are everything I hoped they would be. YAY!

April - Oh wait. Just kidding. Back to book-hate and writer self-loathing. Discover that, despite writing 60,000+ words, I'm still deleting double that. Deleted scenes folder is now at 140,000 words. Angst, angst, angst some more... then keep plodding away at the computer.

May - What? Am I really at the end of writing my first draft? And... can it be? My first draft matches my original outline and story spark 99%? And... is it true? I actually like what I've written? YES! It's a MIRACLE!

Yup, that's right. I like my book. Yes, its only the first draft, but at this point, I'm happy with it. I've put in the hours and I'm about to step away with a book I am proud to call mine and look forward to finishing so I can share it with the world someday. Tomorrow, I might be back to feeling insecure. But today, I like it. Very, very much. I might even go as far as to say the L word. Love. Oh man, yes. I love my book.

I still have a long road ahead of me. Even after I type and they all lived happily ever after (which isn't actually my last line, though my story is a fairy-tale retelling), I'll have countless hours of critique partner feedback to sort through and revising, revising and more revising...

But when all that is done, I will pop open the champagne and celebrate.

And you better believe I'll be blogging about it!

xoxo,