School Portraits

When Gracie handed me her first school portrait envelope, my palms started to sweat. I kid you not. I'm pretty sure the trauma from a decade and a half of awkward school photos is everlasting. I can't even take my family to get posed portraits at the mall because the idea of forcing a smile while a camera person says, "Okay, everyone, say STINKY FEET!" or whatever, makes me want to binge eat at the food court.

But I was relieved when I opened the package. Her kindergarten photo is pretty adorable. One portrait down - no more until first grade! Woo hoo!

Or so I thought... A couple days ago, Gracie came home with ANOTHER ENVELOPE. Unbeknownst to me, her school takes three awkwardly posed portraits a year. THREE! And this little spring portrait is definitely awkward. I haven't purchased yet. I still have two more days to decide whether I want to torture my kiddo for life by framing school photos around the house or not. And if I do buy, here's the million dollar question....

WHICH PORTRAIT SHOULD I CHOOSE?

Option A: Awkward pose just before getting mugged in creepy alleyway


Option B: Awkward pose in front of entrance to Mary Lennox's secret garden


Option C: Awkward pose along haunted railroad whilst waiting for zombie apocalypse

Option D: Awkward pose in front of generic faded grey background, reminiscent of my own 80's/90's era traumatically awkward portraits


Option E: Awkward pose in front of ... I have no idea. What in the world is Gracie awkwardly posed in front of?


I'll never forget the first day of 6th grade when, after my teacher took attendance, a boy who hadn't gone to my elementary school and therefore didn't know me or my awkward portraits said, "Wait, you're MARISA MYERS?"

To which I said, "Um. Yeah?"

And the next day he brought in a booklet that had THIS PICTURE:

Preschool Marisa.

At age 11, I took one look at his booklet and was completely mortified. Then I got my 6th grade portrait back and was mortified all over again.

I have triangle hair! I look like Zira from The Planet of the Apes!

But I guess it could have been worse. It could have been as bad as my second grade portrait:

Or the next year - seventh grade:

Luckily by sophomore year of high school, I had the school portrait thing figured out: Wear a dark shirt, give a bored smile while the photographer calls you Wonder Woman (why do they do that?), and when the yearbook comes out with pictures in black and white, NO ONE WILL NOTICE YOU.

Yup, I had it all figured out.

And then came senior portraits. Now I'm not going to say my senior portrait sucked because it didn't. But COME ON - why the weird velvet cape thingie? I didn't have a choice - I HAD to turn my body in angles that my body didn't turn, tilt my head, smile my rehearsed gazing-into-the-distance smile, desperately hope my velvet cape thingie won't fall off and humiliate me.

Ugh. Awkward.

And when this portrait is framed next to awkwardly posed sport photos... well. It doesn't matter how decent your hair and smile are when you're sitting uncomfortably.

At least the photographer didn't make me rest my hand under my chin. I'm so glad my school portrait days are over.

Lucky for me, none of my photos were bad enough to make it into this HILARIOUS list of 30 Awesomely Bad School Portraits.

(you have to click that link. I'm serious, folks. You. Have. To. Click. That. Link.)

And as for Gracie and her spring portrait - I'm really tempted to buy Option C. I mean, what five year old doesn't want a picture of herself standing in front of a haunted railroad track? I might purchase the largest size possible and theme my living room around it. Maybe stick a brain in an apothecary jar on top of the piano.

Happy Wednesday, folks. I dare you to blog about your worst school portrait. Yeah, that's right. You have been DARED.

xoxo,